(Mini) Love is Blind

Love is Blind - Graphic Design by Olivia Johnson

Well, it has been about a year since I've created a new screenplay, and that's about par for me.  I like to take my time with scripts, because they are so complex.  They also have to be very unique, and this is also why I take a long time developing and executing a script.  My last piece, "Night Onto Sunrise," took all but 3 weeks to create, but that was a short script, running about 10 pages.

This new script, the idea has been rolling around my head for the better part of 2 years.  And I have no clue how long it is going to be, but do know that it will be a feature length script, in layman's terms it'll be over 60-70 pages.

As of right now I'm keeping the title under wraps, a little secrecy never hurt too much, right?  But I am head over heels in love with the characters that have been marrying themselves into my brain for the past 2 years.  I wrote the opening sequence just in the last 10 minutes, and it, the narrative, is flowing like beautiful silk!

This is all I can say for now, but wanted to share my excitement at the birth of a newborn tale of souls trying to make a go of love, life, and liberty.

But what's with the title of the blog, Olivia?  Because the cornerstone for this story is that love knows no color, sexual orientation, it knows no bounds.  When it needs to happen, and flourish, it does just that.  Regardless of the circumstance, or consequence, it, love, is right there.

Good night!
Olivia

Over the Rainbow

Well, here I am, once again trying to write something fetching that’ll snare your attention for a couple of moments.  In our days, and nights, of breakneck speed, deadlines, heartbreaks we rarely take the time to figure out what we need as an individual.  I battled this syndrome for what seems like my entire life.  It reached a point to where I am constantly looking up into the sky, day or night.  Not so much as questioning my existence, but really searching for my “Over the Rainbow” life.  That life is so far removed from what mainstream society expects of us, that it shatters beliefs, loves, and foundations.

We all, or hopefully all, have seen the Wizard of Oz.  And if you haven’t read the book, run and snatch a free ECopy ( found here http://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/55).  And even if you haven’t seen or read the book, you have heard at least one cover of the song, “Somewhere over the Rainbow.”  But no matter the style, Judy Garland put her foot and soul into the motion picture rendition.  The phrase that has stuck with me, in the highs and lows of my life, is “If bluebirds fly, then why, oh why, can’t I?”  It’s that question that runs through my mind as I look upward into the vast universal sky.

Mid life crisis?  No.  Emotional breakdown?  No, but damn close.  I am a spoken word artist, a writer (screen, stage, novel, and poetry), an actor, a singer, a woman of color.  I carry so many badges of honor it was  easy to lose my identity with all the tasks I was thrown daily.   Only when I found my way over the rainbow did I start to define what my life would be. 

I am no guru, but I do know what has helped me overcome social homicide, heartbreak, depression, and (still battling this one) obesity have been these 6 steps.  Each of them helped me pave my own yellow brick road, made it through the Emerald City, and flying high with those bluebirds on our quest to enjoy the newness of being.

1) Get up out of bed.

Seriously, for those of y’all who find it hard to get out of bed some days, push yourself to do so. 

2) Look into a mirror.

Stand in front of a mirror for a couple of minutes for some you and you time.  Familiarize yourself with the changing of your features, and accept them.  That dimple, fat bulge, wrinkles around your mouth?  Your imperfections are what make you gorgeous and different.  And most issues we face stem from a unacceptance of some quirk or behavior beheld or performed by one or others.  Once you get a hold of you are as an individual, the rainbow is closer to touch. 

3) Open the windows (let the light and air in!)

Have you ever walked into a space that is devoid of natural sun or skylight?  A poor circulated place that reeks of stale and dust?  It is a freakin’ dreary place to be, to say the least.  Everything just seems, dim, and that is not good for a person.  We stem from a fountain of life that derives from evolution pulling and pushing itself towards the light of day.  It’s just the way it is, loves.  When we neglect ourselves of this natural energy, we are neglecting a basic need within ourselves.  Let it in.

4) Take a walk around your block.

This little gesture helped me kick start my major weight loss.  In 2010 I weighed ¼ of a ton… dude that is insane.  It would kill me to walk up the 6 flights of stairs to my apartment!  But I became conscious of my eating habits, and the lack of movement I had allowed myself to reach that morbidly obese position.  I started off small… with daily walks around the block.  You will hear all types of timing statistics one should take to lose weight, but really?  Just get out of the house and walk.  Forget about time, the trigger of many stresses.  And with each step, you are paving your own yellow brick road to true acceptance.  The distances will increase, as will your will to succeed.

5) Trust in Yourself.

I know for me, this was a HUGE issue.  Trying to trust that I was doing the right thing, moving in the right direction.  With no magical compass, we’re all just walking and wondering around.  But believe me when I say that when that day comes, and it will, when you know that you trust yourself, everything will fall into place.

6) Stop looking at loss as a failure.

We, me included, tend to do this more often than we care to admit, or realize.  When we dwell on loss, regardless of its degree, we become blind to current surroundings.  We tend to shut ourselves away from potential gains, and that is a depressing state of mind to be in.  One cannot grow in that negativity, period.  Sorry to break it you so bluntly, but it is the truth.  Look at what the loss taught you, and move on.  Real talk.

One point that is just too vast to list is to be weary of anyone offering a quick friendship, courtship, or relationship.  This lesson I had to learn the extremely hard way.  But it was one lesson that pushed me over that rainbow, and away from some negative situations, places, and people.

The whole point of this entry is to get you to hear and see the bluebirds that are heralding your success in reaching and going over the rainbow of the mainstream.  In this place, you will no longer question the wrong doing of others.  You will react to injustice in a just manner.  You will be the person you never knew you could be.  You can be a black girl grown into a woman of color who commands a stage, who commands more for her life.  You have the feet, physically or metaphorically, to move you, never doubt that.   You are so important, believe in that.  You are wonderful, know that.  Trust that you are dream stuff that made its way over the rainbow. 

(And a counseling session isn’t necessarily a bad option in overcoming hardships :))

Written By Olivia Johnson

Beats

My first blog... wow!  Never thought I would be doing this.  But I love to write, and love to share my thoughts on life, and all it's many splendid thing.  Let me introduce myself, my name is Olivia Johnson (aka Oli Yang) and I am a Gemini.  I love anything art, what can I say?  I'm a sucker for self appreciation.  Below is a work I fashioned at the beginning of the month.  Enjoy, and I hope to post once a week.

Beats...

By Olivia Johnson

What a difference a year makes. And the crazy thing is that it hasn’t been a full year… but the fact that I am able to write, able to breathe, able to feel means that I have made it through the arc of pain that pushed my soul, my weight, and my psyche to the edge of oblivion. This path, the part that I can look back on, is cracked. It’s not perfect to say the least, but is a fragile past meant to be strong? Meant to hold on to a soul until said soul is broken? These were just a few of the questions that plagued me onto my recovery. And that, my dears, is why I had to write this. I have to put out into the virtual universe the growing pains of this journey.

The Beginning

I sat in a doctor’s office in April of 2011, and got some life altering news,  I have never been so scared in my life. And let’s face it, a couple of months before that day, I was not feeling well. I couldn’t even enjoy the premiere of “The Pink Bicycle”. All I saw was a cloud… of negativity. All I could hear was the accolades for the winning films… I couldn’t see that I had made something vital. And like a slow moving black storm, the dread that crept up left me cold. Stagnant, in a barren prairie, with no roadside assistance. That’s when I made the call to my doctor, set up that appointment that forever changed, no, forever improved my life.

She shot it straight, and to my heart, and her message was simply that if I didn’t stop and start to love myself, that I would die. Everything that shaped me, hell, everything that shaped that moment, beat against me, that rain from the encroached storm finally reached me. And it poured the drought clean. All that had hurt, all that past, a broken childhood, the shiv that kept me distant from humanity. Where in my growing school life, I was bullied for being different, and dreamt for a life in the spotlight as a singer. How that dream crashed at me feet, stunned me into writing two novels, a slew of poetry, and finally screenplays. How the first man I truly loved, turned into a demon who tried to snuff out my light…

I went home after the appointment, with blood sugar levels, blood pressure numbers, and weights rolling through my mind. And for the next month I cried along with the rain that still drenched the earth around me. Drenched that past into muck that ran down the gutters and out into the abyss, and it no longer mattered, and it no longer weighed me down. It didn’t root me to the terra firma, to reality.

I spoke to those that would truly listen, and offer assistance, or even a hug when needed. I took responsibility for all the damage pain had caused me. I took it, and the pain that was flung my way from some that didn’t understand my choice in walking away. I began exercising, taking those long walks to clear my head. I began taking the bus, going to the library, something which I loved doing years ago. I started listening to all kinds of music, watching all types of film, started embracing change. I began taking care of my plants, watching them grow huge before my eyes. Loving my Artair, the little rascal, for all the times he makes me laugh. Finally, I started to see the bridge to life, it’s that simple.

On the other side, lay sun, and a vibrancy that my soul cried and craved for. And so I placed my foot on it, timid of course, but never the less, the first step was made. I picked up a book called “Controlling People” by the wonderful Patricia Evans, and not only did I see the bad habit control has on other people, I saw the damage that I inflicted on myself by adapting that trait. It was hard, but to live I had to learn that I can only be Olivia, a flawed woman, but strong in the realization that true self discovery is painful. It will break your heart, but the tools will be there to mend it back once the process is over.

Leaving the Negativity

The second life changing event was that after ten years I left a toxic work environment. I could no longer put my health on the line for an organization that treaded on it like it was garbage. I made that decision, and have never looked back. With the leave, the pounds kept pouring off. And my vision became ever more clear as to what I needed out of life. Need. Not want, need. I need time for myself, I need rest, and I need to pour love into anyone who cares to accept it. That’s me at this point. I’m pretty sure my needs with change with every passing day.

Something incredible happened though, when some thought I was crazy to leave, or crazy to not bring fire and brimstone onto the company that hurt me so… I simply didn’t care about the negativity anymore. I didn’t care that it had helped in wrecking my body, and spirit. I no longer cared that it pushed me to the precipice of true decision: life or death. And that’s what stays me now, life.

An awesome side effect of leaving the negativity behind was that my creative soul took flight! It had laid dormant for too long. It had been shuffling, the strut of confidence sucked out of it. I keep a spiritual journal, as everyone truly should, but I now have a writer’s journal on the night table. I sketch fashions, and pieces of imagination that might not amount to much, but it’s an outlet of creativity that had been silenced.

And so another step was taken on that bridge. Another shot of life pushed its way through my veins. My bank account is not what it once was, and that’s fine with me. I have enough to take care of my liege, and our life. I’m able to focus on money management better than I ever have in my life. With the help of those who, again, truly care, I was able to make it through a devastating financial fiasco, something which I will strive to never see again.

Relationships

All honest relationships, be it with a friend or a lover, must be based in trust. Period. For months, I grieved over that fact. And that I would lose people from my life… but it had to be done. Sounds simple, hmm? Believe me when I say it wasn’t. But the ties had to be cut, and they were. And I felt lighter for it.

But alas, I am still single… and really I don’t mind being so. I don’t mind putting the focus on me, and my goals. I know for a fact that a day will come where I’ll meet some tragically great guy, and we’ll do our thing, but that day’s not today. I’m still sorting me out, getting straight on living. This past January a man made a pass at me, but only wanted sex, that was very obvious. And I abstained from his advance. I asked if he would like to go on a date, something where we could get to know each other a bit more, and I never heard from him.

I am about to be 32 years old, and have done the whole “sleeping around” mess, and it left me hurt and caustic, two things I don’t like being. The greatness in this experience is that I needed to be the woman I admire, and not a way to a man’s desire. And, really? It wasn’t that hard to move past him and his want.

Another step, another victory.

Conclusion

So many things have happened, so many levels of realization explored. I can only guess what’s on the horizon, but I do know that my life is just that. Mine. I also know that there’s no quick fix to problems that have plagued me, and will continue to as my lifetime advances. But I will be able to deal with them like a weathered pro.

This April, will mark one year since my life improved. And one hundred and fifteen pounds have followed that mucky past. The reminders of a shrinking body are daily present and very real. I started jogging about a month ago… something I could only dream of doing in the past. Clothes fit me now, not the other way around. I’m rocking my natural hair for all it’s worth.

So now I stand in a meadow, and I see another bridge in the approaching distance. There's baby grass poking out of the rich and toiled soil. The wind blows around, not through me. The sky still has clouds, but they are white with hope that someone will read this and know that they are not alone in the struggle for self worth and appreciation. That they’ll know someone’s heart beats for their survival… because someone was lovely enough to beat for mine.

Olivia “Mm-Hmm” Johnson
3-4-12
11:06pm
Revision 3/25/12